almost forgot

almost forgot i even had this blog. noticed that its been almost a year that i created this blog after i got tired of my xanga. for awhile there forgot all about blogging in general. it's been mainly be keeping all of my thoughts to myself, letting people in here and there. its tough though. i find that although i know its not the best to keep things in, sometimes i think more damage is done when i let things out. lately ive just been at a sort of crossroads at my life. it's been just about a year since i started working. i love my job. i love my coworkers. i love my patients. just that sometimes the entire system is a bit frustrating. frustrating in the sense that sometimes it just makes it seem like its hard to give the best care. supplies are constantly in need. more times than not i find myself and others looking for supplies in the omnicells. oh shit, no more IV extensions, no more IV bags, no more blah blah. then theres the constant floating that we have. annoying how the nurses that we hire to staff our own floor have to float to other units because they dont have enough nurses, ever. it's been up and down lately at work. it's been a rough few months with some close patients passing away. i try not thinking about it sometimes because it just makes things more difficult. servando, joe, arturo, orion. the other week jess put on a video from baykids where arturo was talking about sharks and everytime. i couldnt stand watching more than 20 seconds of that video before i could feel my eyes watering up. jess somehow watched the entire thing and her eyes were watering down by the end. i went to see orion the other night in the unit before they decided to stop treatment. i had heard from other people who visited him before that he looked like crap and he was unrecognizable. it wasnt until i actually went there and saw him for myself did what people say really hit me. the poor little guy. lying there unconscious, intubated. discolored. i still wonder whether or not it was a good decision to go see him. when i close my eyes i can still picture him like that. you're in a better place now buddy. rest in peace.
i had a talk with a friend a few weeks ago. we talked about things that i had done in the past, things i wasnt exactly proud of. talking to girlfriends and former girlfriends of my friends and telling things i shouldnt have. i admitted i was and had been doing that. we got into a bit of a heated discussion. many things were said that were harsh but true. in the end of it all, it hurt. both of us. hurt him knowing that one of his good friends could do such a thing. hurt me in that i had been hurting my friends, without truly realizing the consequences of my actions. hurt me in that maybe i was losing touch with right and wrong. in thinking that maybe i was burning bridges. after all that though, it seems like forgiveness was given. but its always in the back of my mind. sometimes i just think my judgment is easily clouded. there are times when i feel like im slipping away from everyone. and i try to reach out and hold on to people, whether or not thats a good thing or not remains to be seen, but when things happen like that, it doesnt seem exactly likely.
i honestly think i need to take a step back and take a good hard look at my life. there are alot of things that i want, and there are alot of things that i am unsure about still. sometimes it gets harder to tell which is which. money, possessions, house, girlfriend, better health. it all becomes a bit of a blur.
i would like to think that im a friendly guy. i mean generally i dont think people have hateful feelings about me, and i would like to think that i dont hate anyone. it's kind of my happpy-go nature type of deal. but since the whole fiasco with the friends and everything, ive actually found myself disliking someone, dare i say, hate someone. it seems as if everything this person says on things like facebook annoys the shit out of me. this person was someone i used to trust in deeply. but i guess all this has shown who we truly are. i hate how this person keeps rambling about shit. i hate the flip-flopping over things this person says. make up your damn mind already and deal with your decisions. grow the fuck up and do what u have to do. its very frustrating to continue to be annoyed but continue to read things just to fuel the fire so to speak.

don't

don't think too far into the future. live for right now. don't always plan for what you want to do or what you want to happen. i find myself sometimes picturing things in the future too much, especially when i should be considering of things going around me now. easier said than done right. I've always said that the lower your expectations are, the less likely you will be disappointed.